Every time you use this product, humanity hits a new low

Source: todaysbigthing.com

While the advert itself isn’t particularly disgusting, the product (and imagining the kind of people who would need to use one) very much is.

I have only a few questions:

1) Exactly how much of a lazy fatass do you have to be to require an implement to assist you in wiping your ass?

2) Aside from an increased capacity for hamburgers and the ability to dress up as a manatee for a costume party without a great deal of effort, what the hell are the ‘advantages’ of being a morbidly obese person, claimed by the man 40 seconds into the video? I mean, most of the disadvantages are fairly clear just from looking at him.

3) How about you LOSE SOME FUCKING WEIGHT instead of plunging to such depths of self-humiliation? While it’s not a general rule, I think that by the stage you require a stick to clear your arse crevice after splashdown, it would be a fairly good moment to take a couple of steps back (or, I guess, roll back a few inches) and take stock of your food intake.

Not healthy, America. Not healthy.

It’s about time obesity was considered a true illness. Why is an addiction to cigarettes considered disgusting, yet an addiction to hamburgers creates unique consumer products? Where’s my cigarette holder that enables me to smoke 40 cigarettes at once? If you’re catering for the fat fucks who can’t stop chewing, how about a few ‘revolutionary’ inventions for the people who can’t stop smoking?

Personally I’m far more disgusted by the sight, sounds and smells of a fat person eating nearby in a restaurant than I am at somebody lighting up a cigarette a couple of tables away.

Do note that it’s obesity that disgusts me, not simply being overweight. Most people are a little overweight, but it takes a special kind of laziness and disregard for any kind of proper nutrition to become a true fatass. It’s all very easy to say this as somebody who is often described as ‘painfully thin’, but if I ever got fat enough even to consider spending $20 on a butt-wiping stick, I’d be pretty disgusted with myself.

Music that makes you dumb

Source: musicthatmakesyoudumb.virgil.gr

From one brilliant use of the internet (see 2 posts back) to another… a rather fantastic guy called Virgil (a name close to my own heart) at Caltech came up with the frankly genius notion of using Facebook to find out the ten most frequently-mentioned artists for each college, worked out from working out the averages of users’ favourite music sections in their profiles. Armed with a top ten for each college, he then correlates the data with the college’s average SAT score, resulting in a graph that plots musical tastes next to intelligence.

OK, so it’s not the most scientific algorithm ever conceived, and I’m pretty sure the SATs are more of a measure of the ability to learn rather than anything related to intelligence… but it does give remarkably predictable answers. The majority of the sub-950 crowd are subjecting the paltry remainder of their brain cells to ‘musicians’ like Lil’ Wayne, Beyonce, Jay-Z and Akon; those with scores closer to the 1071 average are rocking out to Linkin Park, Nirvana, Green Day and Dave Matthews Band; but the highest scoring average musical tastes feature Ben Folds, Radiohead, Counting Crows and, way out on his own around the 1371 score, Ludwig Van Beethoven. So, apparently at least one of the world’s big questions has been answered: what is the opposite of Beethoven? That’s easy – Lil’ Wayne.

All in all, this makes me feel pretty good about my own musical tastes; but as Virgil himself (the website author, not the epic poet) states in a bold disclaimer:

Yes, I’m aware correlation ≠ causation. The results are hilarity incarnate regardless of causality. You can stop sending me email about this distinction. Thanks.

Now, what makes me think that rather a lot of those emails were from disgruntled Lil’ Wayne fans?

Wherever your tastes lie, take a look at the stats on the site. You’ll be entertained, though probably not too surprised.

This is a picture…

Source: modernpooch.com

… of a monkey, dressed as a cowboy, riding a dog.

Enough said.

Click to make big.

THIS is what the internet was created for: runpee.com

Source: runpee.com

Originality. It’s all about originality. Having any kind of practical use appears to be an afterthought when it comes to web applications – take Twitter as an example of just how feckless, vain and worthless something can be – but finally somebody seems to have come up with an idea that is not only original, but will actually help you. Let us celebrate.

Enter runpee.com – the site that tells you the best moment in a movie to leave the room (or cinema) for a piss. It assumes a 3-minute break to relieve yourself and the most opportune times to do so are given, as well as a text recap of everything you missed while you were emptying your bladder. Clever, eh?

My first thought was that this would be rather better as an iPhone/iPod Touch application. If you’re watching a movie at home you can generally just hit pause or wait for an advert break, so runpee is going to be much more useful as a mobile app. Sadly, it’s written in Flash (unsupported by the iPhone) so unless you want to take your laptop to the cinema with you…

Another disadvantage is that the content seems to be user-generated… the 4 most appropriate times given to take a piss during the new Star Trek movie seemed to be 4 of the best bits of the damn film… but then again that movie was 95% action.

However, I have to say that this site is a born winner based on the following Runpee entry for Hannah Montana: The Movie:

Runpee approximately 30 minutes into the movie, when the trailers for the other movies finish.

Go home right after the previews and pee for as long as you please in the comfort of your own home. You wont miss anything.

Born to be domesticated

Source: reddit.com

I don’t think this image needs any words to accompany it, other than “awesome”.

I am pretty sawstruck by this.

So, some inventor has come up with a way to stop a circular table saw so quickly that if you stick your finger straight into the saw blade, the blade will stop in time so as not to do any damage at all. Which is pretty damn impressive considering the blade is spinning over 5,000 times a minute.

It works by detecting the electrical conductivity of whatever it’s cutting via its saline content – a dry piece of 2×4 won’t trigger it, but the salt content of the human body means that one finger will stop it right there.

I’m not really science-y enough to explain it properly, so just watch the damn video and marvel at this unbelievably cool invention… and shiver with anticipation as the inventor tests it with his own finger. Now that’s what I call having faith in your own invention.

Unfortunately, the stopping mechanism generates so much torque that it pretty much breaks the saw, every time. But hey. Would you rather be down 60 dollars of carpentry equipment, or one or two of your precious digits?

(Hint: it’s the carpentry equipment.)

I love Japan.

I’ve always been fascinated by Japan. The language, the culture, the history… and of course, the absolute undiluted insanity.

I remember seeing a slew of these videos a while back, the best of them being two people playing table tennis. It seems the Japanese have cornered this whole novelty ‘ninjas in with the background’ sketch thing (does the concept even have its own name?), but today I found one that was far more imaginative than any other I’ve seen so far. God knows what they’re talking about, but you can watch it on mute and still be just as entertained…

Go Japan!

I like being made to think.

Source: makemymood.com

It’s amazing how just a few words can alter your perspective, if only for a minute. Some of these aphorisms really come to life, just by being presented in a certain way… I’ve heard most of the sayings before, but a few resonated with me in ways they never did before today.

Enough of my bollocks, check them out for yourself! Some of my favourites…

We Didn’t Start the Flame War

Source: collegehumor.com

Saw this a couple of weeks ago but resisted posting it here… until now. A subject dear to my own heart: arguing on the internet. College Humor have done a great job with this video – great cover, great accompanying video, and funnily enough, great accuracy in the actual comments.

The abject racism in the YouTube verse is especially authentic – “Know who I hate? People who are mixed race. Also, Mexicans, redheads and Asians”. I swear, I’ve seen that comment on YouTube about 100 times. Today.

Enjoy! Or alternatively, don’t.

This guy is a nutter.

Source: youtube.com

I’m not generally into this kind of thing – though I totally appreciate the cojones on those involved – but this Danny MacAskill guy is a total nutter. Skip to 3 minutes in if you don’t find the first few stunts to be crazy.

My brother used to be into the whole BMX thing, but he could never get more than a foot of air from any jump. It was pretty comical to watch, actually, since he thought he was amazing. But this guy appears to be able to bunny-hop his own height from a standing start. As well as balance on top of a fence, backflip off a tree, and jump from one shop roof to another.

Absolutely amazing. Take a look for yourself, and try to keep your jaw off the floor!